We all know this feeling; that instant when you realize that the future is simultaneously here yet far away; when you realize that there are so many potential outcomes. No wonder there are people who try to only live day by day.
- Fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid; concern or anxiety.
- Unknown: a thing, influence, area, factor, or person that is unknown; not known; not within the range of one’s knowledge, experience, or understanding; strange; unfamiliar.
- Panic: a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior,and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons or animals.
- Nervousness: highly excitable; unnaturally or acutely uneasy or apprehensive.
- Helplessness: deprived of strength or power; powerless; incapacitated.
- Future: time that is to be or come hereafter; something that will exist or happen in time to come.
Right at this moment, I am fearing the unknown. I am fearing my future; panicking; feeling nervous. I’m making plans and that scares me so much. In October, I’m planning on moving from Bend, where I’ve spent the last five years, to a completely new environment in Portland. I’ll be living with my friend, I’ll probably be working two jobs to make ends meet, I’m going to be three hours away from my immediate family. I’m so scared and frightened of this development.
I understand I need it; I’m a timid person who needs to get out and expand. But there are so many things I’m used to, like immediate access to my mother and father. I’m leaving my dog behind; I’ve literally been crying over this for the past few days, and everyone tells me ‘Well, you can’t take her with you just yet. You’ll have to get established first.’ I get it, I do, but I don’t think anyone truly understands how much Sadie means to me. I’m more dependent on her than she is on me.
And yeah, I’ll be closer to my two best friends in the world; I’ll be in the city I want to live in, which is awesome. But… what do I do? How do I do it? Am I going to be able to do it? I feel pressed up against a wall and I’m scared. I’m so, so, scared. I’m trying hard not to let it get to me, yet I have to be honest – this is making my anxiety shoot through the roof. There are so many things I need; how am I going to function in this new environment?