Oh, HELLO THERE.

*This actually happened, but I decided it might make a nice little story, I picked two of my favorite names that my female children will be cursed blessed with at some point.

‘omg lol i can’t believe that just happened’ I text my best friend. 

‘lol what did u do’ Wisteria quickly replies.

‘being a ‘tard! im pullin a prank on my dad on his laptop; totally fell for it’ I really am a retard. I had forgotten I had taken a screenshot of the desktop, hidden the start bar, and hidden the icons. I couldn’t figure out why the hell Google Chrome wasn’t opening.

‘omg Vic, ur so stupid lol’ Wis is probably laughing her ass off at me.

Whatever. I toss my phone somewhere and plop down on the couch. Having nowhere important to be and expecting literally no one to come visit me, I’ve decided to stay in my pajamas a little while longer. Ah, sweet, sweet laziness. Let’s see what’s on HBO so I can ignore it and attempt to get on a roll when leveling my new druid. Dolphin Tale. Alright, I remember seeing the previews about that. That’s worthy of my attention.

Humming along to whatever song is playing in the background, playing World of Warcraft, AND watching a movie is evidently very distracting. For a dog. Sadie is laying on the couch, dead. Good girl, Sadie. Just like your owner. 

Until…

Knock, knock, knock. 

Three rapid knocks. On the door. Not surprising. Or is it?

These knocks are literally the loudest I have ever heard. When I look over to the glass door leading to the back porch, I see why. Holy shit, there’s someone out there. Holy shit, why the hell does he have cleaning supplies? Holy shit, he has glasses and beard scruff. Holy shit, I think he’s kinda cute, but I can’t really tell at this point because I didn’t get a real good look at him.

HOLY SHIT, WHY THE HELL IS HE ON MY BACK PORCH. I’M GOING TO DIE.

I grab my jacket, which is across the room, in front of the little parting of the curtains. Did he see me? Does he know I’m home? Is he still there? Shoving my arms in the garment, I zip it up and peek out. No one. He’s gone. What the hell just happened. 

By this time, I’m in hysterics, so who do I call first? Wisteria. It doesn’t go through at first, but she calls me directly afterwards, as I get ready to try again.

“Oh my god, oh my god, Wisteria, oh my god, I’m going to die,” I screech into the phone. 

“What are you talking about? Would you stop yelling? I can’t understand you,” she’s slightly hysteric from my own hysteria. 

“THERE WAS A MAN ON MY BACK PORCH.” I’m trying to calm myself, but it really isn’t working. It’s the last day till my parents come home from Europe. “HE HAD CLEANING SUPPLIES.”

“What?”

“A man, on my back porch, with cleaning supplies,” I finally get myself in control.

“The hell? Okay, that’s weird.” No shit, Sherlock. Thank you for pointing that out.

Then:

“He was staking out the house. He and his buddies are coming back later on. They’re going to kill you, Victoria,” Wisteria is slightly giggling. “They installed cameras to watch you, when you were gone on Saturday. They know that tomorrow your parents will be coming home, so they gotta get the job done.”

“…You are not helping. I’m hanging up now. I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE,” I hang up and toss the phone again somewhere. Then think to charge it.

I then manage to go about my day, mowing, collecting the mail, watering the plants and lawn, and taking out the trash. Once that’s all down, I… literally have stopped worrying about. Instead, it’s more like ‘What the hell was he doing? Who goes onto the back porch? And has cleaning supplies?’

*I’m safe and sound. Nothing happened in the middle of the night. We’re all good.I doubt I’d be blogging about it if I weren’t okay.
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8 thoughts on “Oh, HELLO THERE.

    • I’m one of the weirdos who doesn’t like to answer the home phone when I’m alone. And definitely jumpy when someone rings the doorbell or knocks. If someone else is home, I usually go hide. “Oh, socialize? Even they’re there for, like, two seconds? NO. I REFUSE.”
      I am a very anti-social person sometimes. Most of the time. I put up with people, unless I like them. Then they have to put up with ME. 🙂
      I woke up this morning, sang “Stayin’ Alive”, went downstairs, changed it to “Nothin’ Was Stolen”.

  1. I HATE when people knock on doors. That’s why we have a doorbell, people! I know, I’m weird like that. Something about a physical knock just makes me all tense and nervous. It’s as if the person is instantly branded a creeper/psycho killer/otherwise weird person for knocking instead of ringing the doorbell.

    Guess we’re all a bit paranoid around here, eh? 😉

      • You’re right about that, knocking IS louder. Maybe that’s why I always get scared out of my wits when people knock because I don’t expect it at all. Guess we’ll have to agree on a special knock for you should you ever end up at my house. 😉

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