What Gay Rights Mean to Me

I haven’t been posting as nearly as much as I would have liked, but since starting Spring term, I’ve had my hands full with things that take precedence over this blog.  Trust me, though, writing a post for y’all has been niggling at the back of my mind for the past two months or so. But here’s something I need to get off my chest.

When you hear the term “equal rights” you probably think “ah, gay marriage, yes, okay, that’s cool.” Because that’s all it consists of, right? Is two dudes being able to marry each other? Maybe adopt someday in the far future? Not much more to state there, and we’ve mostly got equal rights everywhere in the United States! Hell, Ireland has legalized gay marriage as a whole country. Humans are certainly making progress into the future!

Now lemme tell you the story of a person who only gave gay rights a passing thought, and it didn’t bother this person whatsoever, until something happened, that opened their eyes.

Growing up, I can only describe the area I grew up in as out-of-the-way, quiet, and red-neck as heck. I knew one gay person up until I entered high school, and that was my cousin Tom. He’s a cool guy, nice, my mom’s partner-in-crime when they were growing up. For a long time, I didn’t really understand what gay meant, and I didn’t really care – it wasn’t something that affected me. That’s how I felt when I learned anything to do with sexuality that didn’t pertain to heterosexuality.

At least, that’s what I told myself.

I think the first time I truly had an inkling that I was not straight, was in 7th or 8th grade. I found myself sexually attracted to a female classmate, and I can remember telling myself, “Nah, you just wanna know what another person’s boobs look like, that’s all – you’re not gay, you’re not gay, you are not gay, do you hear me, you cannot be gay.”

And I can remember thinking that every ‘crush’ I had on a guy, felt a little forced, and a little weird. I mean, there were some that I had a crush on, and I knew I liked, but I never really understood the hurt that comes with liking someone you couldn’t have – Mitch got a new girlfriend? Eh, whatever. Brandon didn’t like me? I don’t care.

That’s what it was like through middle and high school; I kept myself in the dark and anytime I felt myself looking a girl as anything more than aesthetically pretty, I’d shut myself down. “No,” I said, “you’re not gay.”

I think it can be chocked up to living in a tiny, redneck town – diversity was not something that happened. We had one kid who was of Indian descent, and a black kid who moved to town in my sophomore year of high school. We were like the San Francisco of diversity in this town. Because, trust me, Mexicans and Orthodox Russians did not count as diverse. And to top it all off? There were like two openly gay kids in the entire school. Both male, so the idea of a gay woman was more like a novelty and only found in pornography.

So I suppressed it. That’s all I could do – I had no one to talk about this to, I had no idea how to deal with my feelings, I didn’t even know if it was normal or not. I’ve realized that this is probably a large part of why I felt like an outcast during high school.

I’ve never understood how people just know they like men or women or two genders or if they don’t like sex at all. Like, how did you figure that shit out? Especially when you were, like, five.

But you know what really takes the cake? What should have sent up red flags to me?

All the goddamn lesbian porn I watched as a teenager. I literally justified this fact as nothing more than simple curiosity – but at some point, it’s no longer just curiosity.

Yet, a year or so out of high school, I finally realized: I am NOT heterosexual. But I’m not homosexual either, I’m something… else. Something more than a mix of the two, and while I know I have a preference for women and feminine non-binaries, I do like the idea of being with a guy. In fact, I realized, I would probably be okay being romantically and sexually involved with someone, as long as I loved them, no matter their genitalia.

This realization, this coming out to myself, it was like an explosion went off, and everything that had been blocking me in that part of my life disappeared. It’s liberating, because no longer do I have to fight myself on how I feel, and that’s so important. Whether I call myself pansexual, polysexual, or demisexual, I don’t care – I’m queer, I’m here, and I’m gonna kick ass.

So what do gay rights mean to me?

They mean being able to be open to your own feelings, and not feeling like you have to shove them down, because you don’t understand them. It means not feeling like you’re gross, because you don’t know what’s wrong with you. It means being able to tell your parents and not feeling like they’re going to disown you – because some will, and some won’t. Gay rights mean so much more than just marriage. It means giving hope to girls and boys and non-binary kids that they aren’t weird, that there’s nothing wrong with them, or that they are sick and twisted.

It means being able to be yourself to yourself.

That’s what gay rights mean to me.

Word(s) of the Day: Sweet Dreams vs Terrifying Nightmares

While you read this, you should totally listen to Sweet Dreams by the Eurythmics or Beyonce, because those are the songs that have been playing in my head as I think about this post.

I am no psychologist, and I don’t pretend to know what dreams mean, yet, dreams fascinate me. Particularly, my own dreams. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had no issues recalling parts of dreams I’ve had; something, I have come to understand, is not exactly common. I wish I could say this was obviously the beginning of a modern day fantasy novel, but there might be some questions about my sanity.

So, what exactly is the definition of a dream? Or a nightmare?

  • Dreama succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.
  • Nightmarea terrifying dream in which the dreamer experiences feelings of helplessness, extreme anxiety, sorrow, etc.

Apparently, the difference here is the feeling we experience while dreaming – but what if you have a dream where you can obviously feel it’s horrifying, but it’s not a nightmare?

I’m guessing that’s where we delve into different types of dreams, like wet/sex dreams, dreams where you’re chased, etc, etc. Here’s some great info about dreams, as well as a link to a site where apparently you can keep a dream journal! Pretty cool!

Yet, my true question is: why do I remember so easily? Some of these dreams I’ve had, I don’t want to remember, and yet I can recall them incredibly well. It’s come to the point where I’ve neglected my own dream journal. (What’s the point of having a dream journal if you don’t use it? I don’t know.)

What kind of dreams you remember? Do you keep a dream journal? Do you enjoy dreaming?

Twenty-Two Facts About Me

Originally, I had planned to write this and publish it on my birthday, which was Sunday, March 1st. However, I completely forgot – which is why I should probably write down my ideas, write out the post, and schedule it.

Since I’m now twenty-two, though it feels like twenty-one and twenty before that, I have decided to scrounge up twenty-two facts about myself. This is extraordinarily difficult, because I am a boring, boring person.

  1. I am forgetful – this is blatantly obvious when it comes to replying to any form of social media. Maybe you left me a comment on a blog post; maybe you sent me a text message; or you tweeted at me. The problem isn’t YOU, because I don’t hate you, I just… forgot. And by the time I remember, a large amount of time has passed and I feel weird replying to whatever it was you and I were previously discussing. Don’t feel bad!
  2. I am easily distracted – this easily ties into forgetfulness, but it’s true. No, I don’t have ADHD or ADD. There are either things I’d rather be doing OR there was something interesting, like a noise or a flash of light, than what was happening. I don’t enjoy boring things, which is probably why I hate math.
  3. I am a Pisces – “whaaaat? I had no idea! Considering you said you were born MARCH 1ST!” you say sarcastically. I am actually very proud of being a Pisces, because it suits me to a T. Creative, daydreams a lot, caring, yes, these things are me.
  4. I was born 25 days early – that’s right, I was supposed to be an ARIES (no offense to any Aries out there, but I cannot imagine being a ram). Originally, I was to be born on March 26th, but, as my mother likes to say, this was the ‘only time I’ve been early.’
  5. I believe in astrology and all that jazz – don’t hurt me, as smart as I seem, I apparently am not that smart. Why do I believe in astrology? Well, first off, I am a dork and like mysticism. Secondly, it’s very rare that I find something described as a Pisces or a Rooster or the number 8 that doesn’t match up with my personality.
  6. I have an aversion towards the sun – it’s not that I personally, reasonably hate the sun. It’s that my skin hates the sun. I either bathe in sunscreen during the summer, or I don’t go outside. In fact, I’m pretty sure I got a minor sunburn Saturday while outside. In February.
  7. I love animals – if I had my way, I’d probably have a farm. That was a million acres. Just so I could have animals. Domestic ones, exotic ones, but no endangered ones. I cannot have that on my conscious. Though my top three, other than owning dogs and cats, pets I’d love to have are: 1) a Bearded Dragon (the more easily obtainable on this list), 2) a Platypus (please tell me they are not cute), and 3) a Badger (I think it’s because I’m a Hufflepuff).
  8.  Books are my financial downfall – I have issues spending; it’s part of my anxiety. I just start to panic in a store. But when it comes to walking into a bookstore, I don’t panic. I don’t freak out. I just dump entire shelves into my cart. I love books and I have a good twenty or more books I haven’t PICKED UP since I BOUGHT them. I like owning them. I like having the leisure to read them whenever I want. I could have a job that paid me more than $100k a year and probably 99% of it would go towards books alone.
  9. I have Social Anxiety Disorder – I mean, I’m just an anxious person overall, but put me out in public? It’s panic mode. Fortunately, I’ve been taking meds for about a year now, and I’m lot less high-strung than I was.
  10. I am pessimistically optimistic – I am a negative person. That’s just how I think. But… I have this problem where I tend to think negatively about something but at the same time be upbeat and excited about it. I haven’t figured it out to the full extent yet.
  11. I am a proud pansexual – you know that saying that there’s always a gay kid in a group of friends, and if you don’t know who it is, it’s probably you? It has taken me a long time to admit that I was anything other than heterosexual. I finally figured it out a few years ago and I finally realized… I am not solely attracted to men, but I’m also not solely attracted to women. A while back, an extremely close friend of mine realized she was transgender. In an effort to learn more about gender, I stumbled into a world of… well… more than just female and male genders. And upon learning about different genders, I was like “whoa, I’m the type of person who is totally okay being intimate with someone who isn’t strictly cis male or cis female.” Though, I will admit, I have a huge preference for ladies and feminine people.
  12. Music is an integral part of my being – yeah, yeah, most everyone loves music. Music is part of humanity and its culture. Which is probably part of the reason why I love music so much. I couldn’t play or sing anything, but for the most part, lack of music would make my life a lot harder. It also helps that my dad is huge into music, too – I grew up listening to him play music with his band. It’s important to me on an emotional and spiritual level.
  13. I’m a crap storyteller – I love writing. I love reading. I love jotting down ideas and being creative. But for the life of me, I cannot tell a story or a joke. It’s awkward. It’s not as funny as I thought it was. I just don’t understand how to tell a story, especially if it actually happened, to someone without feeling like a massive moron.
  14. I ran over a tree and threw away the evidence – speaking of stories… Once, my dad had a harmonica player in his band. This harmonica player owned a nursery. A NURSERY. With trees and plants and it was his LIVELY HOOD. This harmonica player had two boys, both younger than me, so one of the things they did was ride gocarts around the property. Enter my family; it was a band thing, so family members from all the band members were there. I think my brother, the two boys, and I were the only youngin’s there – any other offspring were older and either stayed home or could drink. So the four of us race around this property and in the back, there’s an area where they were digging stuff up and I think getting ready to expand or something, and there were coniferous saplings lining the edge of this hole. I turned my head around for ONE SECOND, to see where the others were, and BAM. I had driven over a sapling, a nice sized one,and broken it off. I promptly got out, pushed the gocart off the tree, and threw the tree into the pit. Then I drove away and never looked back.
  15.  I am a walking encyclopedia of everything trivial – There are things I don’t even know how I know, but I know it. Like, heeeeey, wanna know where linseed oil comes from? Flax. The answer is flax. Why do I know this? Why is this important? Where did I learn it?
  16. I am an Agnostic Theist – literally a fancy term for saying “I dunno, there could definitely be a god. I don’t see why not.” I think there’s a higher power, but I don’t find it necessary to worship it or to do anything other then wonder about it.
  17. I have a love/hate relationship with the ocean – actually, water in general. Part of it’s probably because my swimming skills are extremely rusty, therefore, I don’t like being in water where I can’t touch the bottom. Natural, right? Anyway, I love the ocean. I love the sea. I love being near it and it literally renews my soul. There’s a deep connection to it, however… it’s also one of the scariest things I have ever been privy to. Space? Kinda scary. Billions of light years across, we don’t know what is out there, but the ocean? Oh, motherf*****, hell no are you getting me to go any deeper than my knees. How can we contemplate going into space when we don’t even know what is in the Mariana’s Trench?
  18. I think space and astronomy are the bee’s knees – seriously, space and stars and planets are super cool! Our universe is so huge, how can I not be impressed by it? We’re a little itty bitty spec in a little itty bitty spec of a galaxy! Wow, it’s overwhelming.
  19. I have irrational feelings about aliens – speaking of space… ALIENS. Something that bothers me, especially from astronomers and astrophysicists and close-minded people, is the idea that there’s no such thing as aliens. BILLIONS OF LIGHT YEARS ACROSS, PEOPLE, HOW CAN THERE NOT BE INTELLIGENT LIFEFORMS OUT THERE? Part of it, for me, is that humans probably need to think of it this way: lifeforms don’t need to have a perfectly Earth-like environment to adapt and grow in. Like, seriously, have we not heard about Darwin’s Theory of Evolution? Why couldn’t there be intelligent life on Uranus? Or on Gliese 581 e? We don’t know! We haven’t been there yet.
  20. My favorite food is pizza – I have the mind of a four year old, I know, but it is! Pizza is my weakness. I could eat it forever. Literally forever. Second and third would be Mexican and Italian. I love food. It’s why I’m fat.
  21. I disappeared for a week – this is not a proud moment in my life. My parents, some family members, and at least one friend freaked the fuck out that I was suddenly gone. It wasn’t something I’d do but I did; I disappeared for a week down to California when I was 19, to visit a friend I’d met online. First off, he’s gay, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone. Second off, if there was going to be a murder, it would not be because either of us planned it. Third off, I’m glad I went, because it was actually a nice vacation from a life I didn’t fully realize fucking sucked at the time. Thank you, depression.
  22. I am sarcastic – this is so fucking obvious, if you had to take a quiz on me, and didn’t answer sarcastic on any question, you’d fail. I think it goes with being a pessimist, but I haven’t studied it too much. I also like hyperbole. It’s weird. I’m weird. I have no idea what’s going on anymore.

I’m such an interesting person, I know. In four weeks, there will be a test. Bring your pencils.

The Struggle Is Real

There’s something oddly reassuring when you can make up your mind; when you can say “yes, this is exactly what I want to do!” and feeling the strength from the decision flow through your body.

Then there’s the black cloud that comes from the future itself. It seems like I’m always going on about the future, but it’s there. The future is never going away. I have tried to run away from it all as best I could, but I can’t escape it.

Since I can’t escape it, I’m facing it as best I can, and it seems that the stress from… well, everything, is just piling up.

Part of my struggle is getting rid of a certain mindset. Going from my usually negative attitude towards a more positive, and hopeful one. To fully understand why, you should probably know that I have, for the past ten or so years, have dealt with a very serious mental illness: depression.

Being on medication helps; having a steady support system helps; I have literally changed my life for the better in just over a year and I am so far from the person who I was, it’s amazing.

Yet I can’t help but fear that I’m never going to be good enough; that my future is going to go down the drain in the matter of minutes; that I’m going to go back into that dark state.

Few people know this, but I’ll be honest – I literally just quit going to school in 2013, I was so far in that pit of despair. I hated everything, everyone. So what was my reaction to continuing school?

Saying fuck it. I didn’t try. I hated being in a classroom so much and I could feel my spirit leak away with each passing day. I had no plan, I had no gumption, I had to no reason to fully commit myself to college.

Then, back in December (2014!), one of my closest friends suggested going back to school for something that has always, always been a large part of my life – video games.

First off, yes, I’m a nerd. Second off, I do not want to live in my parents’ basement.

At first, I laughed it off, because for real, could someone like me, who has never had a plan, who has never felt that I have a talent, could I truly go into the gaming industry?

Then I started researching it. I started thinking about it. I started remembering all the different game ideas my brother and I threw around and what we wanted to bring to the masses of the world.

It was then I realized – I’m gonna be a fucking nerd. I’m gonna be the person who helps design games, because that sounds fun. I had found something I was truly, truly interested in and didn’t feel half-assed about!

To help get an idea of what I’d be doing, I signed up for a 3D modeling class (community, so not a full term) and Thursday, the 12th, was the first class.

I have been so nervous about going into this field, about figuring out what I’m doing, about the different classes, and the grades, and homework, and the financial aspect – oh, god, the financial aspect – that I have felt it killing me. Even now, my shoulders are tense. But going into that class, learning how to use SketchUp, I stopped worrying.

I felt anxious for about the first fifteen minutes of class, and for about five minutes during a break, but… I was so excited about making a stupid 3D rectangle. All I could think to myself, THIS IS SO COOL. I WANT TO START BUILDING A GAME, RIGHT. NOW.

And it felt so good. I’m so excited to go back to school; I’m excited to take art, science, psychology, speech, and sociology to get my associates degree – hell, I’m even kinda excited to go back into math. I hate math.

I’m still worried about affording college; that’s not gonna go away anytime soon. I worry about literally everything – but I’m excited, too. I’m pushing forward, and saying “Fuck you, depression, I will not let you keep me down; I cannot let you keep me down.”

Though I will admit that I’m anxious. As an introvert with social anxiety… people are not my strong suit. But that’s another thing for another time. 😉

 

Looking For: Prompts

Since I’m an incredibly boring person, I’m looking for anything to talk about – recommend a topic! It can be a non-fiction topic or a fictitious prompt, I don’t care.

News, politics, music, books, games, holiday bashing, history, anything.

Tweet it at me, comment here, or yell at me on facebook. I’m looking forward to what I get told to write about.

Praise for The 100

Let me preface this with: I don’t like sci-fi. I am just not a science fiction kinda gal. I think I have a total of two or three books that are sci-fi and I cannot tell you the last sci-fi movie I watched (I think it was Star Trek: Into Darkness).

What I can tell you is what sci-fi show I watched last: The 100.

Now, seeing a title like that doesn’t really explain much. One hundred what? Balloons? Monkeys? Tanks? Bananas? We just don’t know! It’s a mystery!

So with nothing more than a “YOU SHOULD WATCH THE 100” I dove right in.

And discovered this little gem of a show (can CW shows be called little? I think the biggest show for it is the Vampire Diaries followed by Supernatural and maybe Reign) about one hundred seventeen and under year olds being sent to Earth.

Whaaaa?

Basically, humans done fucked up, nuked the hell out of Earth, have been circling in a large space station called the ARK for ninety-seven years, and there are problems with the ARK. The government in place decides to take all the prison inmates (which all under the age of 18 because of laws in place) and send them – you guessed it – Earth.

Because what could be better than sending teenagers to a potentially hazardous place? I dunno, maybe have planned better for the future?

So right out of the gate we meet an inmate named Clarke – who is not a Griswold, dismayed as I was to learn – and is actually female. She’s basically a traitor to the state spaceship because of parental ties yadda yadda yadda she’s in prison, she gets sent to Earth.

Now like I said, I don’t do sci-fi. It is not a genre I particularly enjoy. Space is not my cup of tea and I’m good with that.

Two headed deer, however, totally are.

Thaaaaat’s right! Life on Earth, save plants which seem to have not evolved, is starting to change due to the conditions, which really is something, considering there’s supposed to be an ass ton of radiation there. So the first animal we see? A buck with a face growing… out of his face.

And it didn’t look cheesy. You’d think that in 2014, when season 1 first came out, we’d have great special effects, but not so much (there’s so far only one instance where the CGI has been absolute crap, but I won’t tell you where). I’m happy to say that the camerawork and the effects are delightful. In all their weird, gory, radioactive ways. And by that, I mean, it’s not bad, as far as I can tell, but I’m not a film student.

The most impressive part to me, so far, is that the acting is actually really good. There are actors out there that just cannot act their parts, and it’s annoying (cast of Glee) but I feel that the characters are believable; there’s no true good or bad person (except for Murphy, that crappot) in this show, and I think that so far, the only role that’s showing up for anyone is Clarke being the Healer.

I also like the story-line. There’s so far no extraneous multiple story-lines that can’t be solved within one episode (*cough* Supernatural *cough*) and I could actually believe that the people would react how they would in the different situations they have to go through.

So once the 100 reach the Earth, it becomes a matter of survival – I mean, really, what the hell are you gonna do in an unknown place that no one has lived in for the last 97 years? – while the people in the ARK are racing against the clock to survive.

I kind of feel like this is a G-rated sci-fi version of Game of Thrones, but less incest. I’m only on episode 8 of season 1, but maybe I’ll update how I feel once I hit season 2!